Today is my birthday.  I made it to another birthday!

Words swirl around in my head faster than cars fly on the Autostrada, but they exist in a language yet to be decoded by humans.  Sometimes I am lucky, and those words form actual thoughts.  Even luckier to occasionally get those thoughts sorted out of my over cluttered head and captured correctly on paper.   Of course, that is on a good day without the weight of cancer actively trying to abduct my body and soul.

Jason, Robbie, Danny, and Cody (in addition to a kickass pair of Bose noise cancelling headphones for travel and blocking out the talkers in the chemo room) bought me the most beautiful journal so that I could keep my cancer survival story preserved.  Huge shout out to Teresa Merriman of Minds Eye Journals (www.mindseyejournal.com) for entrusting me with one of her favorite creations, it is so very beautiful.  I met Teresa at an Art Show years ago and she has made each of the one of a kind books our family keeps to write each other letters, but none are as unique and lovely as this one.

Every word I emotionally write (those posted here and others) will be transcribed on these handmade pages.  I have worked so incredibly hard as the gatekeeper of what they know about cancer.  I vowed to be honest with them throughout this journey to the maximum of their capacity to understand at ages 4 and 8, but I have, with equal grit, sought to protect them from the same information…or emotion, that I feared could not help and could certainly damage their tender souls.  One day, it will be important for them to know the complete ugly beautiful story.  And this journal (which I need to post a picture of because it is that lovely) is the perfect place to keep my story safe for their future.

It turns out, however, that my book has a part even more important than my words.

Your words.

I want you to know how grateful I am that you take the time to leave us messages, both here in the guest book and to my email.  In addition to how kind and warm and encouraging they are to me (and they do mean everything to me that you take the time to do it), they are such an important part of my story.  I have saved every single one.  Wherever you left it, I saved it!  I read them, again and again when I am down or discouraged.  Yet, more significantly, that means, without knowing it, you have given my sons a beautiful gift.

This “book” is ultimately for them to have one day, so that they might better understand this journey, and “life,” and best of all – understand who their mother is.  That they might have an example that as spectacular as this life is, it is not always easy, yet still possible to live well and happy.  And to never give up.  No matter what…  Note I said is, and not was, this isn’t a thank you for keeping my memory alive, I certainly have confidence that I will be here, but I imagine Robbie and Danny reading this story at that particular time in their lives when they might think of me more as their favorite nag, and not the person you have described.

How powerful to have the opportunity to know our parents as the people they are through the eyes of others. With all my heart, I thank you.  Please keep sending those messages.  You are “watering” their “roots” and it is an incredible gift.

Yes, today is my birthday.  My 41^st birthday!  A very different celebration than the fanfare of my milestone 40^th last year.  No grunts at physical imperfections or sighs at the growing number today.   I am alive, I am alive, I am alive!  I have heard people think about their post diagnosis birthdays as some kind of rebirth.  While I have the ringlet curls of a one year old, I am not looking for a rebirth.  I like the life I have and am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy to be here and “in it.”  41 looks and feels just fine indeed!

Despite my ongoing challenges, of which I acknowledge there are many, I see the good and beautiful world I live in.

My minds eye is sharp and focused, mindful of the past, and welcoming of my future.

Much love,

jodi alison