The fog is lifting.  In an eternity I could never accurately describe the thick, soupy, disgusting horror show that is the chemo coma.  But I will tell you that at the first sign of its lifting, as the normal’ish (and I limit the description to ’ish because I’m fairly certain that I no longer have any basis on which to assess what normal is)  a calm’ish begins to wash over and cleanse you and your eyesight sees single and not multiples, and you have an immediate sense of empowerment and relief. We are talking the stuff of crazy, mad, giddy relief.

I made it through another round…YES I (we) did.

When I got up Sunday morning, for example, I was so happy to not have the desire to jump off a rocky cliff into the eye of acopo-hurricane Irene while standing under a traffic light about to fall in an F5 tornado while also simultaneously telling my kids (and convincing myself) that I was just fine and not to worry…that I went into a rage of control seeking.  In this utterly out of control world, you take snipits of decisive energy when you can.  Today my blameless victim was the kitchen.  As in I emptied every single drawer and cabinet (Dare and laugh?  I could show up in your kitchen in a few weeks…) onto the floor and unleashed some kind of unholy war on my poor spatula’s and dishes (hear the uproarious cheers of Container Store stockholders everywhere). Stupid dishes, you are no match for me, and you dumb spoons, you are going where I tell you to today, and the crud in the toaster oven, you have finally met your match here even if the cleaning products scrubbed my peeling skin right off my hands!  Yes Yes YES!   I am (almost) in control.

With Monday though came the need to venture out into public for various reasons.  I’m not much of a faker.  Never been any good at it.   I really don’t like that when I see people in public they tilt their seemingly all of a sudden very heavy head to the side and sigh as they ask me how I am as they stare in shock that I am not wearing that awful mop top of a hot itchy wig.  It is so very nice to know people care. Truly, I’m surviving on the love and care of family and friends.  But I’d prefer if they said something more along the lines of hey Jodi…glad to see you out – hang tough or something similarly socially acceptable and a little less pitiful and pitying.  I am not trying to make others uncomfortable.  I suppose I could make it easier on you all and just wear the stupid wig or better yet, stay home…it’s just that (and I’m sorry) I hate it and the thing is, this isn’t about you.  So I ain’t fakin, cut me some slack, would ya?! 😉 Consider yourselves very lucky that the lovely people in my life have adorned me with some of the most beautiful scarves you have ever seen.  Definitely not perfect (like I might have stressed over my hair being in this humidity), but trust me, it could be worse.  In any event, it is me…at this time in my life.

In other perfection seeking news, I had my next “BFTIT” (best uchem tits in town) appointment.  The surgeon is awesome, I just adore her personally and professionally.  She was thrilled with the progress (said I am way ahead of the game) and drum roll please… the next surgery is set for January 16, 2012.  This may seem irrelevant and very far away, but it is a really big deal – it means I am doing great and she is planning for my future.  That felt so yummy that I almost didn’t mind when the “technical artistry team” came in for some rather dignity-sapping photographic moments.

And last but not least, my doctor said it was OK to travel this weekend!  My counts are pretty darn good. WAHOO!  WOOT!  Get jiggy with it!!  We have sweat the decision on whether we would be able to travel to Chicago this weekend for months.  Our precious Nicole is getting married and I was determined to not miss it.  Cousins and friends from about the moment she was born, seeing her joy and dancing at the wedding…. being with my family…  that approaches perfection.  And fun too! So with sexy black tie gown, and far less sexy lyphomdema sleeve, mask, and gloves in tow – I am Chi-town bound!!

LEAVING THE PAST WHERE IT BELONGS.
SURVIVING THE PRESENT.
PLANNING FOR MY FUTURE!!!!!
LIVING MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perfectly imperfect.
Sweet dreams tonight.
Sweet sweet dreams.

Much love,
jodi alison