L’shana Tova friends!  On Rosh Hashanah it is written, on Yom Kippur it is sealed…

In a previous entry, I promised to come back and explain my “Faith and Fight Without Flight” stage of “kicking Cancer’s ass.”  I have not forgotten, it is just that it is complicated, at least the faith and flight parts.  The “fight” comes naturally.  😉

While I am a person of deep faith, I have been reduced to fearing that G-d may not love me, or more simply that G-d – with the vast array of problems in our world – can’t possibly be attentive to the individual needs and issues of any one person and that my situation is just a consequence of the randomness of the world.  The Rabbi likes to say, G-d was, is, and will always be…  [selfish warning…] but where do I fit into that equation?  And does my existence in the bigger picture actual matter?  I have similarly struggled with figuring out where my father is in all of this, because I certainly am not feeling very “watched over.” [If this were a more formal legal writing, this is where I would have to insert the footnote counterpoint of how “lucky” I am to have caught my cancer at its earliest stage, to hopefully be “cured,” and how blessed I am that “this” is “all” I have to go through thus arguing for the clear presence of lots of “watching over” me.]

OK, back to my real point, with all the time I now spend in my house, I have already gone through just about every closet in our house…twice.  Today I stumbled on old keepsakes and cards including one from my father dated May 1997.  It reads in part:

“Your forte has always been your ability to deal.  To deal with problems and with people whether in business, family, or friends…in all situations.  This ability, combined with your perseverance, intelligence, and sense of fairness will guide you up the ladder of your career and in your life.

You have certainly been steeled by “trial by combat” during times of your life.  You may not understand now, but someday, during a difficult time in your adulthood, you will survive, and then thrive again, because of these experiences.  It was an important part of your education…as a person.”

OK, I get the message Dad…and G-d.  Faith is up to me, and me alone.  Well played Daddy with the card falling out of the pile in the box on kitchen floor the week of the high holy days.

Regarding flight –  you must know that if I could run, I would.  If spending my days under the covers would help, I would do it, it would be easier.  But it doesn’t help, so I don’t do it.  I get up each day, even if I have to crawl and I celebrate that I’m alive and able to fight.  There has been a lot of talk about being inspiring.  So incredibly kind of you – but I fear undeserved.  Asses and elbows folks.  I would run so far, so fast you can’t imagine.  It isn’t an option, so I dig, and fight with every bit of grit my life has prepared me for.  And bravery – I don’t know.  I appreciate the encouragement, but I sure don’t feel very brave.  I didn’t elect to serve in the armed forces or run into a burning building.  And I certainly didn’t stand before the executioner in the firing line with 7 other women raising my hand offering to take one for the team.  RUN – that is what I want to do.  But I can’t, so I don’t.  I will fight because I can.  Because my mother told me to never ever give up, no matter what, in the other 400 cards that fell from the box today.  Because my sons deserve a mother – not just any mother, they deserve me – for all I am, and am not.  Their souls were entrusted to me, I’m not ready to give them to someone else just yet.  And my husband deserves a fitting wife, not just any woman, but me – good, bad, and otherwise.

And because if I truly believe I am worth fighting for, then I’d better be prepared to fight the hardest for myself.  “I” deserve nothing less, don’t I?

I do have faith, but I have some learning to do to fortify it, flight just isn’t an option, and so I fight with strength I don’t even understand the origins of because I have no other choice.  I want to live.

On Rosh Hashanah it is written, on Yom Kippur it is sealed.  My prayer for us all is health, happiness, peace, and lots of vibrant, bold, and indelible ink…as we are inscribed in the book of life.

Much love,
jodi alison