I can not tell a lie, if I never see another thing in the puk’tasish color of pink it will be too soon.  Mercifully, October is coming to an end and with it Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  I mean, even my eggs are stamped with the blessed pink ribbon.  I “escape” to the mall to walk on hot days and every store reminds me of what can’t be forgotten.  TV – forget about it.  The shows, the movies, the commercials.  The companies “contributing” 4 cents to research while they profit on the rest.   I search for the left turn out of hell, but the reminders kick me in deeper.   I’m done, stick a fork in me.  Officially over it.  The hoopla I mean, I need to turn my energy and angst elsewhere – like my Cancer free future.  Don’t get me wrong, the work of the Komen Foundation and the pink campaigns and fundraising are beautiful, awesome, wonderful accomplishments.  I very well may owe my life to their work, but still, it is also so very overwhelming.  I was speaking to my Aunt and we chuckled that even the rock dwellers certainly must be aware by now and that it is time to convert more of the effort to advancing and approving the innumerable drug leads eradicating Breast Cancer.  More power to the researchers and doctors and less control to the drug profiteering companies.  Let’s make it Cure Month.  Take more of  the money – cure cancer, all of it.  Done!

Time has a funny (NOT) push and pull quality.  If you were a No Purpose Flowers follower, you know that over the years, I have often written about time and how I wish I could slow it down and how uneasy I am about the speed with which it barrels forward.  When my babies were younger I wrote about putting toothpicks in my eyes to ensure I wouldn’t blink because that’s how fast time flies.  I didn’t (and don’t) want to miss a single instant and have always been acutely aware how important it is to embrace all the moments, good and bad.   But there is a tension between wanting time to slow down and simultaneously move faster (ie, hurry up and get to vacation, reach a milestone age, achieve a long desired goal, become richer, better, more beautiful…or slow down and enjoy more of the every day blessings and joys because even when you are the most present in the moment, times barrels forward at a ferocious pace.  That tension is ever evident when you are battling disease.  During a crisis (of any kind but certainly cancer treatment) you watch the clock and beg for the moments to pass quicker, but yet, everything you do and endure is to achieve the opposite.  More time.  Pass faster…slow down.  SIGH.  Some days I do not know which I want more.  I despise the suffering but yet, I welcome it and endure it “smiling with my so-called positive attitude” because what wouldn’t I do for the gift of… more time. And a whole lot of it!  So, as if to acknowledge my deepest desires…and fears, November is around the corner and brings with it some cooler air and our sixth and final chemo cycle.  Incredibly five months have passed.  Of course, I still have to finish out numero cinco.  It is day one and I’m feeling good and crummy.  My sister AGAIN walked out of her life to come to Miami to help me.  If you have children, you know what a hardship it is to just up and leave.  And she ain’t here for retail therapy or sipping frothy fruity beverages on the beach.  She left her husband and babies to come here to me smack in the center of hell.  For someone who is never at a loss for words, there are none I find adequate to tell her how grateful I am for all she has done in the past five months, how our adult relationship is among the very most important in my life.  She knows when to cry with me, when to cry NOT with me so as to not scare me, how to kick my ass, and how to just love me in all the right ways.  She is my best friend. My love and gratitude run to the deepest place of my soul and I am very happy she is here.

I shudder to admit that I have developed a perverse relationship with my friend chemo.  I hate it with every fiber of my being, but I also love it with the same intensity believing that as it rages through my body, it has done its job and killed anything potentially menacing in the future.  Leaving it behind invites new fears.  Really awful crippling fears.  While this may sound wicked of me, I have tried very hard to NOT listen to gut wrenching stories of other women living (and dying) with metastatic disease.   I have to be able to hope (and believe) this can’t happen or at least won’t…happen to me.  Otherwise, I am reduced to living as a prisoner and that would let my captor, Cancer, win.  I recently met a woman who told me her story (despite my begging her not to) the cancer was always in her spine – even when they told her she was cancer free.  Threw me into a several day tailspin.   It is the hardest part of moving forward.  To not spin into full blown panic every time your back hurts, or you feel a twinge or a whatever somewhere in your body.  It is something that I have yet to master.

We did the Miami Race For a Cure and had a great time.  30,000 people participated in Miami and they raised over $2 million.  Pretty impressive by any standard.  “Team Jodi” came out in force – thank you for coming and for all your generous donations in our honor.  Here is the link to a few pictures of our day there and at the Dolphins “pink” game.

http://www.shutterchic.com/photos/swfpopup.mg?AlbumID=19710861&AlbumKey=RwQ8p5 
(the password is pink.  HA!!  j/k…  the password is peace).

I have also attached an article that was written, I had seen the online version but not the hard copy so I was very surprised to see my face on the cover!  Sigh.  I sure miss that hair, and I mean I really REALLY miss it.  Yes, hair is a small and silly price to pay for your health, but I do miss it.  And these extra drug induced lbs – PFFFT!  Not enjoying you at all.  I have already bought your first class ticket out of here.  Bottom line:  I miss looking and feeling like me.  I miss my mojo.  If you see it wandering lonely on the streets, grab that sassy sucker and stick in the mail back to me would ya?  I can only fake it for so long, I want ME back.

I need distance from all things Cancer so I can work on the next phase of my cure and healing.   I am Jodi Alison Hirschfield Mazer.  I am the daughter of Sheri and Robby Hirschfield…David Stone…and Lois and Alan Mazer.  I am the sister of Jennifer, Kevin, Carrie, and David.  I am the Aunt of Jordan, Alex, Gabrielle, and Alexis.  I am a granddaughter and a friend.  I am a goddaughter to the greatest godparents there are.  I am an “Aunt” and Godmother to my other special babies.  I AM THE WIFE OF JASON SETH MAZER AND THE MOTHER OF ROBBIE AND DANNY MAZER (AND CODY TOO).  I am an attorney, engineer, and wannabe photographer and writer.  I am a pretty darn good (and fair) prosecutor.  I protect our environment so we all can enjoy its beauty and can do so without being subjected to obvious and latent dangers.  I fight for what is right, just, and for a level playing field for us all.   These are the things that define me.  Not Cancer or illness.  I am NOT CANCER, I was just the unlucky one who got sick.   I will not define myself by such nonsense, I hope you won’t either.

With that I thank Breast Cancer Awareness Month and all those dedicated to eradicating disease and helping those living with and affected by it.  But I also say good sweet holy riddance! Don’t come near me with pink for a while, a long while.  I’m looking forward to returning to signature blacks and grays…and brown.  Beautiful brown – hair that is.  One cycle to go.

Much love,
jodi alison