As for ME, I have heard so many people say, “cancer was the best thing to ever happen to me.”  What you talking about Willis?  [if you could see my eyes rolling in the deepest part of my head – and I wonder where my kids get that skill from].  Of all the laughable and absurd things I have ever heard uttered.  Don’t get me wrong (and I certainly don’t mean to be disrespectful), I get it…  Life threatening illness is one of those bring you to your knees never again sweat the small stuff oh that is what perspective feels like type of defining experiences.  It forces you stop and appreciate life in a way you previously didn’t – you know, how precious life is, that there are no guarantees…    That is, if you previously lived in some perpendicular universe or otherwise lived without perspective and awareness and under a rock.Sorry folks, but cancer is the worst thing to ever happen to me.  It was when it took my father and it is now.  DUH! It is my worst nightmare come true.  But I still appreciate my blessings as I did before, I still know how precious life is, that there are no guarantees, and my perspectives are still (hopefully a lot of the time) spot on.  At least this is how I strive to live.  It is a part of my inner peace.  I am grateful that my experience with cancer (again) taught me powerful lessens, but I will continue to live as I did before…I HOPE…with fundamental happiness and a resolve to fight for my life with chutzpah, sass and determination the likes of which cancer wasn’t prepared for when it came after me. But, “the best thing to happen to me.”  Give me a big fat flipping break.  I will leave the rationalizing to others, I’m sticking with the truth.That said, all in all, I still consider myself the most blessed person in the world, not because I got cancer, but because I live a life I am proud of and I get to continue to live it surrounded by the great loves of my life and with the greatest family and friends ever.  The terrorist is defeated and gone even if the shadow remains.  I survived.  This is indeed a very big milestone in the journey.  When this mess began in May, I was riding one of the great highs of my life having celebrated my 40th birthday and 10th anniversary grateful that so many dreams were a reality with less than half my life past.  My hopes and dreams remain the same, health and happiness for another 40+ years to come.On August 1, I told you:
“I have held my head high, put one foot in front of the other, and, with some nudging, have remembered to breath.  Today marks another milestone in my healing.  Chemotherapy…”   I declared, “…this seems to be a good time to set boundaries in this do or die duel with the terrorist…as I can see (surreal) the FIRST drips of poisonous goodness creep closer to my veins. Drip drip drip… and so it begins and ENDS!”I think I got it close to right that day, and it is now a great day to offer public and loud thanks…as I can see (surreal) the LAST drips of poisonous goodness creep closer to my veins.  Drip drip drip…and so it ENDS and BEGINS!

I described August 1st “mentally excruciating and physically exhausting.”  Today was equally as horrible, but somehow [as my warrior princess guides promised me I would], we got through it. Six aggressive heavy-duty cycles completed without five minutes delay or single complication.  Yes, Enzo, the car goes where the eyes go.  Can you believe how far we have come, even through the torrential rains.  I have confidence in how far we are going.  That is ME.  And now for YOU.

YOU found a spec on a screen too small to measure or feel and in doing so saved my life.  YOU held my hand and made me laugh as you “coached” me on the worst day of my life to date.  YOU both gave me hope as you kindly explained my options in a way I could understand despite the raging emotions and fears.  YOU then expertly cut then warmly continued your care.  And YOU did so, so brilliantly, that my body arguably looked better than before!  YOU are one I chose to champion my survival and I know I made the right choice.  YOU show as much compassion as YOU do knowledge as you help me navigate this bumpy road.  And YOU are the ones who made all the hard days bearable with your sweet smiles, skill, and encouragement.

YOU come to my house everyday to make me walk even when all I do is cry or yell at you.  YOU don’t care about that, instead YOU show me countless ways and times every day how much YOU care about me.  YOU actually followed me around the block knowing by the particular shade of green of my face that morning that I needed the ice-cold “Coke” but that I didn’t have any in my house.  YOU call, write, and come over to force me to laugh.  YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU showered me with love, presents, and presence.

Long after most people returned to the comfort of their own lives, YOU continued to send cards every few weeks.   They say little, yet they so say much reminding me that I matter and make me smile each time.  And YOU continued to make dinners during chemo weeks when lifting my head was too much.  YOU sent me some of my favorite presents to cheer me up, let me communicate by text only with no complaint, and let me complain (and complain and complain and complain) when I wasn’t up for being positive.  YOU never got angry, YOU were just there to love me.  YOU signed this guest book with beautiful and encouraging messages that we cherish.  YOU send emails and leave voice mails daily just letting us know YOU are there.  YOU know when to push and when to back off, always offering genuine friendship.  YOU were more than colleagues, YOU are the dearest of friends.  YOU loved me from across the world never complaining when I didn’t respond.  YOU are my guides, my inspiration, my brave and amazing warrior princesses.  YOUR beauty and courage runs so deep that it constantly reminds me of what the human spirit, and therefore maybe ME too, is capable of accomplishing (SURVIVAL).  YOU gave me advice, encouragement, and YOU live by example.  YOU are my lifetime friends and no person could be more blessed for having YOU.

YOU have done and done and done and done everything for me.  YOU have gotten on a plane and taken over my life when I needed (which was a lot).  YOU never once complained or tired or said no.  YOU helped in so many obvious and subtle ways and YOU loved me wholly.  YOU showed me when I needed it the most how much YOU cared and it turned out to be best “gift” from this ordeal.  For the rest of my life I will be grateful for YOU and how YOU showed me what I meant to YOU.

YOU are my other half.  What happens to one of us happens to the other and I know this hasn’t been easy.  But you have been my hero and my greatest help.  YOU have held my hand since the moment I was born and YOU have suffered through every second of this ordeal as if it was happening to YOU.  Maybe worse.  But YOU have stayed strong and kept me going.  YOU are my greatest cheerleader, and very best friend in the world.

Many of YOU will know who YOU are, you can always call me for clarification, because YOU, all of YOU, have made the difference for me between life and death.  My boys told me I was a righteous Jedi, but YOU are the force.

My Jason and my babies gave me a present when I finished in the form of a spectacular diamond to wear above my chest.  They told me, I should have something beautiful (amidst so much ugliness that this process brings) to mark this time in our lives.  They also me it would act like a force-field to keep me safe.  Just like the force-field we activate in their rooms every night to keep them safe.   Safety.  I long to feel safe again.  Ours is a great love story that I pray has many more chapters to come.  YOU, Jason, are a great man and you make me feel safe.

So, that is it (sorry, you didn’t exactly get the short version).  Today I stand at the ledge of the first of several of the steepest cliffs I know to exist in my future.  I am not alone, but admittedly (and appropriately) terrified.  I carry my handcrafted parachute, and yes it is me we are talking about, so take confidence in its construction.  It’s layers fortified with the strength and determination of ME and the friendship, love, care and support of YOU. I jump with all of this power but I jump with my shadow too.  I know with certainty that we must learn to co-exist.

Cancer hasn’t made me stupid (I hope), and so I know that the road is still long, a lifetime really.  In the short run, I still have ten more months of weekly infusions of dangerous drugs through a port that protrudes from my chest, several significant surgeries, and difficult milestones to meet.  But I also know, for now, I have been spared.   Standing here on the edge, my legs uncertain beneath me,  I am ready to jump.  I think I can, I think I can.  NO – I KNOW I CAN.

YOU and ME baby!

Much love,
jodi alison