February 28, 2015

Bad News:        This actually happened.

Good News:      It was a year ago tomorrow, I just never posted the story. So read and give Carrie a shout out, she has conquered and thrived – and never looked back.  Love you!

I have wanted to write this post for a long time but have not out of concern that someone would think I was talking about [to] them, out of concern [heaven forbid] that I would sound trite, and out of concern [awareness] that I am simply not a good enough writer to get it right.   But as I type today, I am in a cold and harsh waiting area at Duke hospital in Raleigh, NC, where our sister, Carrie [yes, that is 37-year old Carrie, the one who is an accomplished doctor, wife, and mother of our two and five-year old nieces], is having a – thank god – benign – but – big – ass – scary – golf ball sized…mother- fucking -brain -tumor (“MFT”) removed from her skull base. I’m guessing your reaction, like ours [once the shock and devastation subsided into a more manageable state of neurosis driven hysteria], is that the world has in-fact gone bat-shit crazy – there is no fathomable way our family has come up, AGAIN, on the wheel of misfortune so soon. But here we are, post tornado, with what feels like the weight of our house in ruins on top of our heads.

After receiving confirmation from the staff that the surgery was officially underway, and as I stared – terrified- into the bathroom mirror not sure of what to do next, what I saw were the faces of all the people who have accompanied me on my own terrifying journey staring back. And so we held hands and began the uncertain trip down the yellow brick road.

“Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.” Sitting here looking at the image of what can only be described as knee buckling, breath stealing heartbreak in the faces of my family and thinking of the same scene playing out – in waiting rooms when I was a patient – again and again and again, I am struck by what an atrocious violation of the laws of nature this is. Parents are supposed to worry and live all of their children’s ups and downs, but parents are not supposed to sit in hospital waiting rooms with their baby’s lives hanging in the balance. It is upside down – and does not make any sense.

When bad things happen, the heart hurts first. And its ache unrelenting. Yet, if you are lucky enough to get this life right, then you know your heart has the super capacity to function despite the pain. And to mend. And keep going. I know that it is the extraordinary forceful beat and synchronized flow of the heart that powers us to endure the unthinkable. You collect every bit of love, passion, and hope offered to you and you just do it. One choked breath and beat at a time.

The heart may not be practical, but it is awesome, and I bet if the Tin Man were looking into the mirror, it would be his friend, the Scarecrow’s face that he would see staring back. Because the heart cannot sustain us alone. I think about the Scarecrow, how he desperately sought knowledge and a brain. I think about how Carrie left no stone unturned in consulting with the world’s finest doctors despite the [mental] pain of the reality she faced. Imagine being buried alive by your circumstances. It boils down to two choices, give up and fade away or throw every iota of your mind’s power into figuring a way out.

Within minutes of Carrie sharing the news, her “team” sprung into action. Within days, she was “connected” to every expert necessary to make a life-saving decision. She asked me early on, how she would ever know what to do, and I promised her that she would get there. I knew she would be able to make the right choices because I know the quality and depth of her mind. I knew that she would choose right for her life, because she “got it,” and she was not going to waste a second of the gift that is her life. And with deliberate grace, her frail “straw” turned into educated resolve.

Here is the trite part [sorry] of the story. Life is short. Do you hear me? Do you get it? You will say you do on both – I hope that is right. Because a truly smart person knows, today’s easy going bliss is tomorrow’s moment stealing your breath and peace or worse. Life is short. Shorter than you can ever appreciate. Do you hear me? Do you get it? Why am I always drilling the harshness of this reality? Because I want you to do more than say you understand. I want you to live the best life you can for as long as you can without waste or regret.

So long as you are blessed with this gift of life, you do not have an excuse. Do you not like your job? Change it. You are in a bad relationship, invest in it, nurture it, have faith in it, fix it, or dump it over the cliff. You do not find joy in your days? Do something else. Get help. Do not be a passive victim of your life! Too many of us are missing out on the best parts and do not realize it until it is too late. Do something, even one single thing, every single day that makes your life, and the lives of others, better. Let your heart help your brain navigate your course toward a fulfilling journey. This is not some weird call to be selfish, misguided, or irresponsible, but it is a warning. I imagine that regret is bitter. I know that well lived life is sweet.

Nor is this rant a lack of understanding on my part. Life is hard. Really really hard. Sometimes seemingly impossibly hard, but here is that truth thing again… Nothing is impossible, so long as your heart beats and your brain functions. Get up off your asses, and live your life with the passion and respect it deserves. We only get one chance…use it well. “It is such an uncomfortable feeling to know one is a fool.” Use your brain’s awesome power along with your heart’s capacity. If you do, when you look into the mirror you may surprise yourself by seeing flashes of a lion and learn you have more courage that you ever imagined.

Oh my sweet Carrie was so scared these past months. And the crippling part for me, was that I truly understood what she felt, which also means I knew there was little I could do to help her. She had to find her own courage. As I have said, no doubt way too many times now, [in my arguably irrelevant opinion] your life’s meaning – your legacy- is tied to living to the best of your potential, and in your presence having mattered to others. It is squarely on each of our shoulders to ensure our own happiness, and boy oh boy does that take courage. So whether for the hardships of regular days or the determination to endure the biggest crisis – trust what you are made of and with each small step build on the last and find your strength. I promise it is there.

This is your call to arms, make your life the very best it can be. Whatever excuse you think you have that is getting in your way – it is stupid crap. I apologize, I am NOT demeaning or suggesting illegitimacy of your fears or struggles. What I am saying is that like the cowardly lion, the heartless tin man, brainless scarecrow – the power was always inside of you. Life is dangerous. Live courageously every second anyway.

“We dare not harm this little girl,” “for she is protected by the Power of Good. . .” All’s well that ends well, though certainly not an easy journey. Carrie kicked the MFT to the curb. Safely at home, we are leaving those yellow bricks behind for a more polished marble of sorts. Cheers to a happy story, lessons learned, and always having our brains, heart, courage, and each other to LIVE.

Go get that future girl – we could all learn from your example.

Much love always,

jodi alison