No Purpose Flowers & The Great Loves of My Life!

Several of you have nudged and voiced concern that it has been too quiet on the site…
So today’s guest author is me, Jodi!

The past three weeks have been in a word, C-R-A-Z-Y.  Crazy hard physically and emotionally.  Crazy learning curve.  Crazy information.  Crazy decisions.  But I also have to admit, there has been a lot of good.  Crazy good!

I could never thank you enough for your beautiful and kind words of support, I read every one and they cheer me up more than you could ever imagine.  I am deeply grateful for your compassion and encouragement.

All of the news continues to be good and favorable but the road not an easy one.  Today was my post-op appointment with the surgeon who said this was a “home run,” and that my story will extend well beyond breast cancer. Every aspect of the surgery was a complete success and is considered to have “cured” the cancer.  I did have to have a minor revision to one of the incisions yesterday.  It was outpatient surgery and went smoothly and I bounced back to “normal” today.  I’ve started physical therapy and am really doing quite well healing and getting used to the dramatic changes to my body.

We expect the results of the Oncotype Dx Assay tomorrow and have the all important meetings with Oncologists next week, although it seems to me that absent a very very(uncommon) low score, I will likely be having chemo.  It is difficult to process this reality given the wonderful news of the surgery.  We also know that I will undergo hormone therapy.  I am certain that I (and my family and friends glued to me and suffering with me) can endure anything that puts cancer in our past, but still, it is a big blow and will not be easy.

We have made plans to salvage our summer tradition of heading to North Carolina for as much time as the doctors will allow before continuing on with treatment.  There can be no question that stealing some time alone in the mountains will be healing for all of us.  So our appointments are Tuesday and Wednesday and then with the sun rise Thursday, we will be on the road north!

If you know me, you know that I do not enjoy being the center of attention but I have to say, never have I felt so much love.  And so balanced against my feelings of misfortune are the overwhelming feelings that remind me how truly blessed we are.   With all my heart I thank you for supporting me and my family throughout this ordeal.

Much love,
Jodi

Do you remember that sing sony B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E chant? Think camp, color war, cheerleading and oh yes, life!

It has been a grueling week of difficult appointments, emotional meetings, so-called chemo class, and decisions. We have decided to give cancer parts of one year and not a second more. We have decided to be cured permanently. We have decided hold our heads high and be strong (most of the time) and we have decided to fight and take the most aggressive path offered.

We had hoped the week would end with an exact plan but it will be another two weeks. It turns out that doctors agree even less than lawyers! We do know that we will endure 6, maybe 12, months of harsh chemo starting Monday August 1. Jenn will fill in the details once we know them… Cancer is funny with it’s hurry up and wait routine. And when I say funny, I mean NOT funny at all. Cancer could give a Xanax, Ativan, Valium, rum punch shooter an anxiety attack. Jenn had the idea that every time someone says chemo, there should be a shot of tequila. Smart girl…

All of that said, we have decided to run away and go off the grid for a while. With the sunrise, we will be mountain bound for some beautifully peaceful and healing family time. So please do not be angry or frustrated if you don’t hear from us, we will be hiking, playing in rivers, feeding our deer and doing a lot of laughing and smiling. Good medicine if you ask me…

Sending thanks for all your help and messages and as always much love,

jodi alison

Today is my birthday.  I made it to another birthday!

Words swirl around in my head faster than cars fly on the Autostrada, but they exist in a language yet to be decoded by humans.  Sometimes I am lucky, and those words form actual thoughts.  Even luckier to occasionally get those thoughts sorted out of my over cluttered head and captured correctly on paper.   Of course, that is on a good day without the weight of cancer actively trying to abduct my body and soul.

Jason, Robbie, Danny, and Cody (in addition to a kickass pair of Bose noise cancelling headphones for travel and blocking out the talkers in the chemo room) bought me the most beautiful journal so that I could keep my cancer survival story preserved.  Huge shout out to Teresa Merriman of Minds Eye Journals (www.mindseyejournal.com) for entrusting me with one of her favorite creations, it is so very beautiful.  I met Teresa at an Art Show years ago and she has made each of the one of a kind books our family keeps to write each other letters, but none are as unique and lovely as this one.

Every word I emotionally write (those posted here and others) will be transcribed on these handmade pages.  I have worked so incredibly hard as the gatekeeper of what they know about cancer.  I vowed to be honest with them throughout this journey to the maximum of their capacity to understand at ages 4 and 8, but I have, with equal grit, sought to protect them from the same information…or emotion, that I feared could not help and could certainly damage their tender souls.  One day, it will be important for them to know the complete ugly beautiful story.  And this journal (which I need to post a picture of because it is that lovely) is the perfect place to keep my story safe for their future.

It turns out, however, that my book has a part even more important than my words.

Your words.

I want you to know how grateful I am that you take the time to leave us messages, both here in the guest book and to my email.  In addition to how kind and warm and encouraging they are to me (and they do mean everything to me that you take the time to do it), they are such an important part of my story.  I have saved every single one.  Wherever you left it, I saved it!  I read them, again and again when I am down or discouraged.  Yet, more significantly, that means, without knowing it, you have given my sons a beautiful gift.

This “book” is ultimately for them to have one day, so that they might better understand this journey, and “life,” and best of all – understand who their mother is.  That they might have an example that as spectacular as this life is, it is not always easy, yet still possible to live well and happy.  And to never give up.  No matter what…  Note I said is, and not was, this isn’t a thank you for keeping my memory alive, I certainly have confidence that I will be here, but I imagine Robbie and Danny reading this story at that particular time in their lives when they might think of me more as their favorite nag, and not the person you have described.

How powerful to have the opportunity to know our parents as the people they are through the eyes of others. With all my heart, I thank you.  Please keep sending those messages.  You are “watering” their “roots” and it is an incredible gift.

Yes, today is my birthday.  My 41^st birthday!  A very different celebration than the fanfare of my milestone 40^th last year.  No grunts at physical imperfections or sighs at the growing number today.   I am alive, I am alive, I am alive!  I have heard people think about their post diagnosis birthdays as some kind of rebirth.  While I have the ringlet curls of a one year old, I am not looking for a rebirth.  I like the life I have and am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy to be here and “in it.”  41 looks and feels just fine indeed!

Despite my ongoing challenges, of which I acknowledge there are many, I see the good and beautiful world I live in.

My minds eye is sharp and focused, mindful of the past, and welcoming of my future.

Much love,

jodi alison

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