Most people think I started blogging when I was diagnosed with cancer, but that is not right.  And most people think everything I have written, has been posted.  Eh eh.  When I decided to move the blog to this host (a long story summarized by the realization that out of the 15 or so blogs I followed on CaringBridge, I was the only person still alive at 2 plus years and the immediate desire to put my words somewhere filled with life instead), I re-posted a few of the original posts.  I am considering going back and re-posting a lot more (are you still interested in hearing my voice?).  In the meantime, I came across my first post from 2008.  I sat down today to write and decided instead I said it better then.  Six years later, on the eve of feeding my youngest son to the world – KINDERGARTEN…Don’t blink:

 Wimper. Sigh. Glowing with pride. Bursting with immeasurable and unconditional love. I swear, I didn’t blink. I listened to those who had done this parenting thing before me and stuck toothpicks in my eyes and there they have remained. First out of necessity to stay awake and then out of fear I would miss even a single second of my boys lives. But it is happening anyway, this little boy – my baby – is growing up way too fast.

 Our delightful, amazing, and suddenly it seems, person-esque son, Daniel Edward is heading off to kindergarten in the morning. I remember so clearly taking him to his first day of pre-school. I was worried, really worried about how he would do. But in typical Danny fashion, he put on his backpack, took his lunch, gave me a great big hug and said, “don’t worry mommy, I’m going to have fun but make sure to come and pick me up soon.” He spent 4 years at Beth Am Day School and loved almost every minute! But a new, and bigger transition is upon us. Is he old and mature enough to start kindergarten in public school? Will he make new friends.  Any questions or concerns I might have are quickly assuaged by him. He’s an “adapter,” and no matter the situation he smiles and laughs and finds the good. With that confidence, I put aside MY anxiety…

I like my son. Does that sound strange? We all love our children, but seriously, I like him too. I like to be around him and talk and share. He is incredible and kind. He is smart and confident. He is affectionate and creative. He is everything I wish I was. He is beautiful and wise and already knows, just like his dad, exactly what to say to heal my soul.  I wish I could just put him in a bubble and keep him in a place that is always good and safe.

 Oh my god, how can my son be starting kindergarten?! Yet, phew, my son is only starting kindergarten. There are a few more years where his favorite time will still be time spent with me. But I confess, late at night, when fear reigns supreme, I worry, what did I miss, what if I blinked?

 I am on night five of my hospital stay and my heart aches more than my stomach knowing I won’t be there tomorrow for Danny’s milestone event.  It hurts with the sentiment of all the moms who see kindergarten as a dangerous point on the slippery slope of life afraid to blink because they know when they open them again it will be college.  And it hurts with the loss of knowing my illness kept me from the place I wanted to be most.  As if they knew exactly what I needed, I got a card from L&J which said:

 “A mighty wind blew night and day.

It stole the oak tree’s leaves away.

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark.

But still the oak tree held its ground

While other trees fell all around.

 The weary wind gave up and spoke,

“How can you still be standing, Oak?”

The oak tree said, “I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two,

Carry every leaf away,

Shake my limbs, and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

Growing stronger since my birth.

You’ll never touch them, for you see,

They are the deepest part of me.

 Until today, I wasn’t sure

Of just how much I could endure.

But now I’ve found, with thanks to you,

I’m stronger than I ever knew.”

(Thank you L&J – best card EVER).

Watch out world, here comes my Danny.  While I may miss the milestone today of seeing him off, my roots are the deepest part of me, getting healthy and fighting so hard for all of our tomorrows.   It has been one of the hardest weeks of my life, but I am stronger than I ever knew, I believe I will be ok – to go along with my Danny for the journey…together – of course, always remembering never to blink.

 Much love,

jodi alison